Terry Howard

Personal blog of Terry Howard, guy from Orlando, Florida that likes fishing, literature, technology and saying what's on his mind.

Terry Howard
Orlando, Florida

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A Modest Proposal

Posted by Terry Howard @ 8/07/2003

I applaud the American Cancer Society's support of organizations, companies and governments denying employment to smokers. In these times of national trouble, when the most obvious endangerment is that of our economy and financial status as the richest of nations, we must ensure that any and all actions are taken to preserve every dime. Now is not the time to think of the rights of citizens, but rather the financial toll those rights take on us as a society. We must expound upon abstractions to link certain actions to fiscal responsibility, and for good measure, add that we are doing it for the children.

To do my part, I want to offer further suggestions for ways in which we can save ourselves the awful monetary burdens that our citizens impart upon us.

1) Deny employment to those with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and weight problems. Our pastry and potato chip industries have been advertising their dangerous products for years which have devastated the health of our nation's workers. Increased healthcare costs and an overall reduction in employee agility have long plagued the private sector and local government offices.

2) Disabled pay for their own accessibility. The Americans with Disabilities Act shamelessly panders to economic leeches whose disabilities result from automobile accidents, rock climbing injuries, or any number of preventable activities that we need to legislate into criminality. The cost of building improvements such as access ramps, hand rails, and special parking spaces alone cost businesses billions every year. This is surely a financial burden no one but the irresponsible should have to carry.

3) Internment camps for smokers. Since they should not be employed, smokers will need to be rounded up into camps lest they wander the streets and be left to their evil deeds. Some studies show that 95% of crimes are committed by people who have at any time smoked a cigarette, which is evidence of the general miscreant nature of those who smoke. By separating them from the populace, first by social barriers, and then physical barriers, their unnatural genes cannot be spread to the next generation.

4) Reduced wages for employees with poor senses of humor and less than average social skills. Research has shown that an enjoyable work environment directly affects productivity. Employees who do not smile often or partake in regular office comradery attack the bottom line. In an effort to compensate their sandbagging, lower wages should be imposed until the appropriate sense of humor is obtained.

Hopefully these measures would ensure that people's pursuit of happiness and general enjoyment will not decrease the amount of money we have to spend on lobbying to impart our morality and opinions upon the general populace who are obviously unaware that no other issues at this time are more important to our nation's courts and legislature than that of not smoking.

Labels: employment, rights, smoking

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A Modest Proposal